We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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