Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
