Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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