the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the day after is always just damage control
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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