I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
