her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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