I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
