dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
