big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
