my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
