i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
