you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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