And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
