I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
