Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
