how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
