dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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