I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He better not be in your backpack
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
