well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
