Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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