hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
