I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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