If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
