I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
