Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
