The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize