all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
