like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
