Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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