5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
