So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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