I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
