I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
