I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
