dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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