you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
