Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
