so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
