In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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