dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
