i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
i need some magic done to my vagina
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
