I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
