i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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