my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
