Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You ruined the universe
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
