Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
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