Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
