I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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