Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
