they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
