im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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