and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
