Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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