Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
