i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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