Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
