Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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