Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
